Transcript

If you have your Bibles please turn with me to Ephesians 5.

Ken Davis writes, “For the first 15 years of my marriage, I was a terrible husband. Diane held down a full-time job, became my secretary, mothered our daughters, and waited on me hand and foot without ever demanding that I lift a finger to help.

I loved my wife very much, but I hadn’t yet learned how to show my love. I had a lesson to learn, and of all things God used a vacuum cleaner to teach it.

I learned many things about vacuuming one day. First, I learned that our cat was terrified of vacuum cleaners. That kept me entertained for about an hour.

As I vacuumed in one direction, a stripe would appear. Going the opposite direction would create a stripe of a different shade. Entranced, I striped the whole room. Then I went crossways, creating a checkerboard pattern.

I got so carried away that I dusted the furniture and straightened the entire house. I was once again embedded in the easy chair, working on my crossword puzzle, when Diane came home.

She struggled through the door with a bag of groceries under each arm, kicked the door shut with one foot, and then took in the house with an expert glance. Her mouth dropped open.

Slowly the bags slipped from her grasp and dropped to the floor. “Who did this?” she asked. “I did,” I said. Without warning, she attacked.

Diving on me before I could get out of the chair, she smothered me with kisses and hugs, showering gratitude on me for helping her. The vacuum cleaner taught me an important lesson that day. Love is expressed with more than just words.

This is the lesson God is teaching us here in these verses.

God says husbands are to love their wives, “as Christ also loved the Church,” to love sacrificially and selflessly throughout life.

To love our wives as Christ loves the church is to about willingly seeking her highest good; it means we are to be helpful, kind and encouraging, putting her first, lifting her up, freely giving to her without thought of getting anything in return.

Pastor Kelly Randolph writes this, “The beauty of God’s pattern in marriage is that it answers our deepest needs. A wife’s greatest need is to be secure in the love of her husband. A husband’s greatest need is to be respected by his wife.

And a husband should strive to make his wife feel secure in his love, through both words and actions.

Ephesians 5:23 says, “For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and He is the Savior of the body.”

Scripture is clear that the husband is directly accountable to Christ for the home, for how the wife is treated, how the children are raised, for the home’s spiritual direction and focus, for its guidance, and in making sure it’s provided for in needed material things.

There are many twisted ideas about headship, and the way many have carried out what they think is headship is completely out of God’s will, wrong, cowardly & sinful.

The headship of the husband does not mean many things: it does not mean dictatorship. It is not condescending. It doesn’t guarantee automatic respect.

It does not mean that God is giving man the label of being superior over the woman. It does not cancel out equality. It doesn’t mean the husband is more intelligent or more adequate than his wife.

It doesn’t mean the husband makes all the decisions and the wife has no voice. It does not mean tyranny. It does not mean the husband has the right to be cruel, domineering, controlling, oppressive or to crush the life and personality out of his wife.

It does mean the husband is in charge to care for, support and lead his wife and family before God. Headship speaks of leadership, responsibility, and management.

Headship speaks of the responsibility in being accountable to God for the wife and family being provided for physically with food, clothing, and shelter.

It speaks of providing for the home spiritually, taking the lead role in guiding the family in the things of God, & training his children up in the Lord. It’s about keeping your family faithfully involved in ministry and using your marriage and house in service for Christ.

In the qualifications for a godly elder and man, 1 Timothy 3:5 says, “One that ruleth well his own house.” In ruling well, a husband must be present in the home and be its leader, and not be lazy, but to work in guiding and building a godly home.

In ruling well, a husband should take his wife’s counsel into account in making decisions, plans and goals, respecting her opinions and her voice in all matters.

But when it comes to tough decisions where there’s not agreement, God says the husband is to make the decision and to make it according to God’s Word and will.

In these verses, the marriage relationship is set as a reflection of the relationship between Christ and the Church.

And the headship of the one pictures the headship of the other. As Christ is the authority over the Church, the husband is the authority in the home. And the husband is to be to the wife what Christ is to the Church.

Christ’s headship over the Church is to be the model for the man in how his headship over the wife is to be conducted. And Christ meets all our needs, He provides for us; He treats us with kindness, gentleness, love, grace, forgiveness, mercy, and patience.

So the man should strive to meet the woman’s needs, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. He is to provide for her, treat her with loving-kindness, gentleness, grace. He is to lift her up, be there for her, help her, watch over her, provide security for her.

And so a man can really show Christ in his life, by how he cares for his wife.

Ephesians 5:25-27: “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it; That He might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the Word, That He might present it to Himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.”

The example of the kind of love God desires the husband to strive to show to his wife is the supreme example of love: the Cross. God sets us a very high standard.

Christ is the model of the love God desires our wives be shown. The love we are to model and imitate is the love that willingly drove Christ to the Cross to give His life for us and pay for our sins that we might live. This is infinite, eternal, real love.

The word for “love” here is “agape.” It is God’s love. It is real love. And God’s love is a love of action. We should tell our wives that we love her, and we should show her that we love her, because real love acts, real love sacrifices, real love gives willingly.

Christ “gave Himself” for us in His love, and so we should give ourselves wholly to our wives in our love for her, and be willing to sacrifice anything in loving her.

And Christ loves us unconditionally, and so the husband should love his wife as she is, not as how he wish she’d be. She’s not perfect and neither are you. Love with conditions to be met is not love. She should be loved without conditions, without reserve.

Paul continues speaking about how Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for it “that He might sanctify it,” as the Body is set apart positionally in Christ, being completely set apart from sin and set apart to God, belonging wholly to Him forever.

This is a positional reality and in practice it is also what we are to strive for, to be wholly His, and set apart from sin. Also in our daily living, Christ desires that the Church be clean, pure, washed and cleansed by the Word.

“The washing of water” has nothing to do with water baptism. It speaks of the cleansing aspect of God’s Word to our daily life as we trust it and obey it. God’s Word changes us and it will clean up and transform our lives as we apply its wisdom and truth.

Today Christ in His love is cleansing His Church thru the ministry of His Word.

Verse 25 speaks of the past, how Christ died for us: our justification. Verse 26 speaks of the Church’s present and striving for practical righteousness by living by the Word: our sanctification. Then verse 27 speaks our future: our glorification.

In the future, at the Rapture, when the living saints will be caught up to heaven and the dead will be raised incorruptible, the whole Body will be in glory. At this time, the whole Church will be personally presented before Christ and the host of heaven.

Having our sins washed away by His blood and being clothed in His righteousness, we’ll be presented to Him glorious church, a church full of honor and splendor not having any spot, stain, impurity, defect, wrinkle, or any blemish. We’ll be holy, immaculate, and we’ll be like Christ. And this will all be because of His love.

So these verses show us that Christ loved us in the past, He loves us in the present, and He’ll love us forever. And a husband’s love should be the same for his wife, an abiding love that remains on her as long as you both shall live.

It’s about a love that’s been demonstrated in the past, it’s a love that does things for her in the present and it’s a love that will continually do things for her and be with her permanently into the future, just like Christ in His love for the Church.

Ephesians 5:28-29 says, “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church.”

Paul says here that the husband is to care as much for his wife’s welfare and much as he does for the welfare of his own body.

A husband should have the same care for the needs and comfort of his wife as he has for himself. As he protects his own body from the elements, feeds it when it’s hungry, gives it drink when it’s thirsty, makes sure it gets proper rest, and cares for it (or pampers himself) when he’s sick or hurting, so he is to treat her.

As he is so careful and quick and determined to meets the needs of his own body, he is to strive to meet her needs in the same way. I.e., he is to pay attention to her. The woman should not starve for love or comfort and care from her husband.

Gary Smalley tells about going shopping for a blouse with his wife. He says, “I wasn’t shopping for a blouse. I was hunting for a blouse! I wanted to track it, shoot it, bag it, throw it in the back of the truck and go home.”

Gary Smalley says, “Men we are like that aren’t we? We are conquest oriented. It seems that once we conquer the courtship phase of a relationship, we think the job is over and we become neglectful in our relationship.”

Contentment can set in after marriage. The love, openness and the care that was once shown prior to marriage can wane. These verses are a challenge to continually show love and care for the wife as we continually meet the needs of our bodies.

Paul says, “He that loveth his wife loveth himself.” Now we’re not supposed to love ourselves according to God’s Word! What Paul is saying is that the wife is now part of the husband, they are one. Two have become one; they’re a single identity now, one flesh.

In the marriage relationship, the husband and wife become one flesh and therefore whatever he does for the wife, he does for himself. For the husband, since they are one, to love the wife is to love himself (vice versa true too!).

Paul says “no man ever yet hated his own flesh.” No man hates his body so that he would disregard its needs, comfort and happiness, and so no man should disregard the needs, comfort and happiness of his wife. To do so is unnatural in both cases.

Paul goes on to say that man doesn’t hate his flesh, but rather he nourishes and cherishes it, and so he is to do so with his wife.

To nourish her we strive to meet any emotional, physical, or spiritual need she might have. To cherish her, we tell her that we do, and we show her that we do.

We shouldn’t leave her guessing and there should be no doubt for how we feel about her.

Emmerson Eggerich tells the story of a wife saying to her husband, “I just got off the phone with my sister. She’s incredible. She tells me that she helped her husband build a back porch on their house this summer. She also made a rocking chair, and she’s in an exotic foods cooking class.

“She’s always doing something, making something. I feel so inadequate when I talk with her. What do I make?” Her husband turned & said, “You make me happy.” He nailed it!

Out of love husbands should complement and encourage her, listen to them, let her cast her burdens on you, give her symbols of your love, go for walks together…

Running errands for her, sitting next to her, opening the door for her, choosing outings with her over guy things, checking out that noise in the middle of the night, putting your arm around her, holding her hand, all these things reassure and show her your love.

Paul says that Christ also nourishes and cherishes the Church. Again He and His love and care for the Church is what we are to model in our marriages.

Christ nourishes the Church. The Body members are nourished and receive life, strength, support and guidance through Him and His Word in the Christian life.

And He cherishes us. You are treasured by Christ. And He has shown you in this Book how He does. He tells us of His love for us and He has shown His love for us. He died for us. He’s blessed us with all spiritual blessings. Heaven is ours. Eternal life is a gift from Him. He’s given us an exalted seated position in Him in heaven. We are His inheritance.

Paul’s simple point here is: Christ loves His Church and He cares for it deeply. So we should love our wives and care for them deeply as well.

Ephesians 5:30-32: “For we are members of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.”

All through these verses we find the marriage relationship set as a picture, a representation of higher truth, of the relationship between Christ and the Church.

This carries into the fact of our perfect, complete, permanent union with Him. “We are members of His Body, of His flesh, and of His bones.” As we trust Christ, we are joined to Christ by the Holy Spirit’s spiritual baptism, and we are one in Him.

And likewise in the marriage relationship as we take those vows, and leave our father and mother, and are joined to the wife, we become one, one flesh.

The Christian marriage is an illustration, a picture of the union and relationship of Christ and His Church.

At salvation, we enter into a personal, permanent relationship with Christ, we become one with Him, joined to Him, to enjoy the fullness of His Person for eternity.

And Ephesians 5 shows how marriage parallels the beauty of the truth of salvation, entering into a personal, permanent relationship, becoming one, joined one to the other, to enjoy the fullness of each other’s person for as long as they both shall live.

Paul says this union between Christ and the church is a “great mystery.” Now Paul is not speaking of this union being somehow mysterious.

Paul is speaking of an aspect of His revelation, the revelation of the mystery, as Ephesians 3 speaks about. As Paul uses the term “mystery” he speaks of a “revealed secret.” Paul is revealing something new here, is what he’s saying.

What has never been revealed before is the “great” truth of the Church’s union in Christ, how marriage today represents that union, and how Christ’s relation to the Church the Body of Christ is the pattern for a husband’s relation to his wife and the wife’s relation to her husband.

This truth of marriage as a picture of the Church the Body of Christ and its relationship to Christ was unknown before, because the Body of Christ was hid in the mind of God prior to Paul, but it is now revealed through the revelation given to the Apostle Paul for this dispensation of grace.

Ephesians 5:33 says, “Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”

Again, Paul restates what is most essential for us to remember in the marriage relationship: love by the husband, respect by the wife.

And he makes it personal for the husband with his words “let every one of you in particular,” meaning “you each, one by one, you, you, you…”

Aaron Goerner tells of a concerned husband who went to see the family doctor. He told him, “I think my wife is deaf. She never hears me the first time I say something. In fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again.”

“Well,” the doctor replies, “go home tonight, stand about 15 feet from her, and say something. If she doesn’t reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea of the severity of her deafness.”

Sure enough, the husband goes home, and he does exactly as instructed. He stands about 15 feet from his wife, who is standing in the kitchen, chopping some vegetables. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

He gets no response, so he moves about five feet closer and asks again. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” No reply. He moves five feet closer, and still no reply.

He gets fed up and moves right behind her—about an inch away—and asks one final time, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the 4th time, vegetable stew!”

In the inevitable troubles in the marital relationship our first thought is usually that the problem is with the other person. But sometimes we should take a step back and see if we are fulfilling our God-given roles in the marriage relationship.

Are we being the loving husbands God desires? Are we being wives who submit and respect their husbands that God wants us? As we follow God’s blueprint for marriage, we’ll find that He knows best.

Helmut Thielicke writes this, “I once knew a very old married couple who radiated such a tremendous happiness, the wife especially, who was almost unable to move because of old age and illness.

“In her kind old face the joys and sufferings of many years had etched a hundred lines, but she was so filled with such a gratitude for life, that it moved me.

“Involuntarily, I asked myself what could possibly be the source of this kindly person’s radiance. In every other respect they were common people, and their home indicated on the most modest comfort.

“But suddenly I knew where it all came from, because when I saw those two speaking to each other, and the way they looked at each other, it became clear to me that this woman was dearly loved.

“It was not because she was a cheerful and pleasant person that she was loved by her husband all those years. It was the other way around. Because she was so loved she became the person I saw before me.”

As we put our wives first, and love her as Christ loved the church, our marriages will be stronger as a result and our wives will flourish, they’ll move towards you, and there will be the oneness God desires.

Loving her as Christ loves is about lifting her up, making her feel first in importance, it’s about reassuring her that she is your #1 interest and focus and that she is more fascinating and important to you than anyone or anything else in this world.